


you can look (but you'd better not touch)

by hurricaneamelia



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Bisexual Meredith Grey, Bisexuality, Canon Divergence, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Infidelity, Secret Relationship, Self Harm, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, aka: the fics that i'll never finish, bisexual cristina yang, canon? is that a spice?, gay shit, i accidentally wrote that as 'self ham', i wanted to publish them, idk what to say this is all very self indulgent, meredith is soft and gay, one shots, they just take up so much space on my google docs..., this is a gays only event go home
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 13:56:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16041848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hurricaneamelia/pseuds/hurricaneamelia
Summary: Small Grey's fics / one-shots I'm too lazy to finish (mostly Meredith and Cristina).





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! friendly reminder that comments + kudos are always appreciated <3 they inspire me to write more uwu

The only thing Cristina loved as much as surgery was dancing. It was her way to get rid of tension—for other people, it was sex or drinking or something completely ridiculous. For Cristina, all she needed was a good song and empty room. And if she got to dance with Meredith? That was even better.

She didn’t like dancing for how it looked. God, Meredith was a terrible dancer. She was pretty sure that she was, too. That wasn’t the part that mattered. The feeling she got from it, the rush; that was what she needed. She loved feeling Meredith’s hands in hers as they jumped around her bedroom, loved feeling her toes dig into the carpet as she twisted around. Meredith’s hands sneaking around her waist, her breath against Cristina’s neck as she murmured the words of whatever song was playing. Cristina was sure Meredith had heard every song ever, because she had yet to find a song that Mer didn’t know. To be fair, most of the songs were the Eurythmics (because it’s impossible not to dance to their music). Right now, she can hear Meredith humming along to ‘Sweet Dreams’, and she loves it so much that she never wants to leave this moment. She turns around to face Meredith, taking both of her hands and spinning her around the room. The action doesn’t fit with the song at all, but Meredith’s giggles more than make up for their lack of decent choreography. Meredith grins as Cristina holds her waist and pulls her closer.

“Hold on,” Meredith says through her laughs, leaning against Cristina and taking a deep breath. “Stop for a second.”

Cristina pouts, looking down at Meredith in disappointment. “Are you tired already? It’s only been like, five minutes.” Meredith shakes her head, kissing Cristina’s cheek as her giggles begin to subside.

“No, I just…” she pauses, wrapping her arms around Cristina’s shoulders. “I just love you. A lot. You make me really, really happy,” she murmurs, bursting into laughter again as her smile grows wider. “I like it when you hold me, I don’t want you to stop.” Cristina chuckles to herself, patting Meredith’s back in her strange form of affection.

“Okay,” Cristina replies, moving one arm away from Meredith long enough to turn off the music playing from her iPod. “I love you too, dork. I’ll hold you as long as you want me to.” Meredith smiles and buries her head in the crook of Cristina’s neck. 

“I have the best girlfriend ever,” she whispers, almost as if she’s talking to herself. 

“I know you do,” Cristina says casually, lifting Meredith up and carrying her to their bed, which is only a few feet away. Carrying her is as easy as it looks—Mer is pretty tiny. “I’m so good to you, I’ll even cut my dance parties short so that you can cuddle with me,” she adds as she pulls a blanket over Meredith. 

“You’re supposed to say, ‘no, Mer, _I_ have the best girlfriend ever’, and then compliment _me_ ,” Meredith replies, crossing her arms and looking up at Cristina. “You aren’t supposed to agree with me.”

“Well, that’s what happens when your girlfriend is a narcissist,” Cristina replies, kissing Meredith’s forehead. “I’m not going to deny the truth. But you are a pretty good girlfriend too, you know.” 

“I know. And you like cuddling with me, admit it.” Meredith rolls onto her stomach, draping one arm across Cristina and reaching for her hand. Cristina rolls her eyes as she intertwines her fingers with Mer’s.

“I guess. It beats cuddling with guys. They have facial hair and it’s all pokey and shit. At least if you put your face on me it won’t feel like barbed wire.” Meredith laughs softly, although most of the sound is muffled by the pillow she has her head on. 

“No, it beats cuddling with dudes because you’re gay.” 

“You know, you have a point there.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meredith is pregnant with bailey, and she asks cristina to talk to him.  
> (meredith x cristina)

“Cristina, would you _please_ talk to the baby?”

“Why do I have to do it? Can’t you just page Derek? He’s so obsessed with you and your fetus that he’d leave the O.R. in the middle of a surgery just to feel it kick.” Cristina keeps her eyes focused on the paper she’s reading, trying to keep her eyes off of Mer staring at her stomach like it was holding all of the secrets of life. Cristina hated pregnant people, especially the ones who acted like Meredith. But it is hard to hate anything Meredith does, and Cristina knows that, after six years of secretly dating her best friend. She can’t stop herself from turning her head when Meredith groans again. 

“Please, Cristina. He doesn’t listen to me, just say anything. I don’t care if it’s about the lotus valve thing or whatever, he calms down as long as I’m not the one talking. Derek talked to him about fly-fishing and he stopped, I swear!” Meredith exclaims, pausing to cringe as the baby kicks again. “Come on. Do it for me.” She hears Cristina sigh as she stands up from the chair she was previously sitting in. She walks to the couch Mer is on and kneels down in front of it, in a way that should be romantic, but it’s Cristina, so it ends up being more awkward than sentimental. 

“Hey, baby,” Cristina starts, and she quickly realizes this is not something she’s going to be good at. She looks up at Mer, who does nothing but stare back at her with a grin that Cristina finds impossible to say no to. Mer clearly wants her to do this, and who is she to deny her? “Hi baby. My name is Cristina, and I’m your—” 

Cristina pauses again. The word _mother _is on the tip of her tongue, and she has to force herself to push it back. It’s not totally wrong, given how much time Meredith and Cristina spend together. Even if they weren’t having an affair, Cristina would be just as involved in the baby’s life as Meredith and Derek would. But she is not his mother. And besides, she doesn’t want to a mom anyways. Even the notion of settling down with Owen makes her shudder. She is not a maternal person. But somehow, with Meredith, it kind of seems possible. Meredith never imagined herself as a mother, but she already had a daughter, and now a son on the way. Cristina could see herself living that kind of life for Meredith.__

__With Meredith._ _

__“I’m your mama’s person,” Cristina settles on, carefully placing a hand on Mer’s stomach. “And because you’re only a fetus, you don’t know what that means. It means— well, I guess it means different things for different people. For me and your mama, it’s a special kind of bond. I love her, and she loves me too. We make each other do things that we think are impossible to do alone. Your mama makes me happy, and I know she’ll make you happy, too. I hope she’s your person as much as she is mine. Now be nice to my person, okay? Or else we’re gonna have problems.” Cristina considers kissing Meredith’s stomach for a moment, but she decides against it for two reasons. One being that Mer would never let her live it down. The second, and more important being that they’re in the attendings’ lounge, and anyone could walk in and expose them. So Cristina simply smiles and sits next to Mer on the couch, furrowing her eyebrows when she realizes Mer is crying._ _

__“Hey. None of that hormonal crap around me. Save that for Derek, he’ll baby you over it. I won’t,” Cristina says, and Mer laughs as she wipes her eyes._ _

__“Shut up, I’m not hormonal, that was just cute,” Meredith replies, taking Cristina’s hand and carefully placing it over her stomach. “Look. He stopped moving,” she whispers, rolling her eyes when she sees Cristina’s triumphant grin._ _

__“I’m good at that! You’re a lucky kid,” Cristina says, looking down as she continues to smile. “Your mama’s person is super smart, and good at everything. Your mama is too, don’t worry. The point is, you’ve got smart people on your side. Your mama and daddy are both surgeons, and so am I. All of our friends are, too. Which means you’ll probably end up being a doctor, too.” She pauses to look up at Meredith with a determined look in her eyes. “Mer! I’m gonna teach him how to do a running whip stitch. As soon as those tiny hands can hold scissors, he’s gonna learn from the best cardio surgeon there is.” Cristina focuses back on her girlfriend’s stomach, now extremely focused on making a mini-Cristina. “That’s right, baby. You’re gonna be a cardiothoracic surgeon, just like me, okay?”_ _

__Meredith laughs, pulling Cristina’s hand away from her stomach. “Nope. He’s gonna be a general surgeon, like his mom.”_ _

__“I’m sorry, is a neurosurgeon out of the question?”_ _

__Both girls nearly scream when they hear Derek’s voice from the doorway. Even after six years, the thought of being caught together terrifies both of them. “Zola’s already claimed the title of junior Dr. Shepherd,” Meredith says casually, her anxiety still vaguely evident in her voice. “You can teach her how to clip an aneurysm while I teach him how to remove an appendix.” Derek approaches Meredith and kisses her forehead, and Meredith forces a smile up at him. She loves him, but he isn’t Cristina. No one is._ _

__“Fine. I’ll just have to wait for the next one to be a carbon copy of me,” Cristina says, making Mer scoff and turn her head in the other girl’s direction._ _

__“Next one? Don’t get ahead of yourself. If all babies kick as hard as he does, I don’t think I’ll survive another one.” Meredith giggles and lays her head on Cristina’s shoulder._ _

__“Whatever,” Cristina replies. “You’ll have me to calm them down. I’m good at it, remember?”_ _

__Meredith smiles fondly, and if Derek weren’t hovering over her, she would definitely kiss Cristina. “Yeah, I remember.”_ _


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> self indulgent mer/cristina fluff,,, idk what else to tell you

“You’re my home. You know that, right?”

They’re lying in Meredith’s bed when she says it. Cristina isn’t sure if it’s still appropriate to call it Mer’s bed, considering there hasn’t been a night within the past few weeks in which Cristina wasn’t in it, too. 

“That’s kind of gay, Mer.”

Meredith looks over at Cristina with a look that’s half amused and half disappointed. She waits a moment before settling on disappointed, and Cristina leans against Mer apologetically, realizing she said the wrong thing. She reaches to take Mer’s hand, a gesture which makes the smaller girl smile.

“I’m serious. You make me feel...safe. I’ve never felt this way before, even with Derek.”

“I’m your person, it’s what I’m supposed to do,” Cristina replies. The statement is a little false—she’s Meredith’s person, sure, but they both know they’re something more. But they’re both married, and Meredith has learned that she does not want to become an adulterous whore as well as a dirty mistress. 

“Just take the compliment, asshole. I love you,” Meredith replies, and it means something that she can say it so casually. Cristina realizes that, because she’s quick to comment on it.

“Really? Meredith Grey, queen of commitment issues, loves me?” She pauses for a moment before scoffing. “I’m not surprised. It’s hard not to love me.” 

Meredith giggles and buries her head in the crook of Cristina’s neck. She really does feel safe, and part of her wants to stay in this bed forever and never leave. “You need to go, Derek’s gonna be home soon.” 

Cristina nods, her smile fading at the notion of Derek. He was good to Meredith, but both girls knew that they were better off together. “You could leave him, you know,” she points out, which causes Mer to pull away from her.

“You could leave Owen, too,” Mer counters, ending Cristina’s argument before it could even start. Cristina knows she can’t leave him, they’re both too fragile. And she still loves him, even though she loves Meredith, too. Cristina sighs, kissing Meredith’s forehead while she tries to rid Owen from her thoughts. She’ll go home to him soon enough, but for now she’s with the person who matters most. Meredith reaches out to cup Cristina’s cheek with one hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Cristina smiles, but both of them can feel the hurt behind it. “Yeah. See you.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackson and april look through old boxes of toys. and they're both trans because i'm trans and i can write whatever i want. transphobes Get Out

April holds the box in her hand, running her thumbs over it’s dusty exterior. On the front, in her mom’s handwriting, it says ‘Josiah’s Old Toys.’ In a Pink Sharpie, the name Josiah is crudely scratched out and replaced with April in cursive (or, the best cursive she could write in sixth grade.) Being April, it wasn’t complete without a small doodle of a flower and a sun. She remembers when she drew it. She had been going through her closet, tossing out the ties and button-ups and replacing them with flower-print overalls and lacy dresses. She had pulled out each box one by one, replacing her dead name in black with her new one in pink (not her favorite color, but the yellow Sharpie wasn’t as visible on the brown box). Toys, clothes, books. It was a simple task, but it felt so good. It felt like she had been April the whole time, never Josiah. She takes a moment to breathe in the scent of home the box radiates. Sunny, hot days outside on the farm with her sisters. Shopping for her first Communion dress with her mother. Getting a grape juice stain on that same dress, which made her cry. Her mom wiping her face and saying _‘Don’t you worry, baby girl. Kepners can get stains out of anything.’_ It was the first time her mother called her _girl_. She opens the box delicately, and she can feel Jackson’s eyes watching her. 

“You look focused,” he notes, and April simply nods in response. She sticks her tongue out of the corner of her mouth (she always does when she’s concentrated) and Jackson chuckles. He can’t help but kiss her cheek, because she looks way too adorable like that. April smiles when she opens the box, greeted with memories from her childhood. It’s mostly stuffed animals—the toy store closest to the farm was still an hour away. Her mom would sit in the living room for hours, hunched over the sewing machine as she intricately stitched her kids’ favorite animals. The first one is a pig—they were always April’s favorites on the farm. They were the first people/living things she came out to. It was silly, but they were her friends. She imagined they accepted her. On the bottom of one of the stuffed pig’s feet is the letter ‘J’, hand-stitched in black thread by her mom. She watched Jackson run his thumb over the letter, and he asks,

“Why’d you choose April?”

She looks up at him, still holding the pig in her hands. “Like, for my name?” She asks. He nods, and she gives him a full-toothed grin. 

“Well, I was born in April, so I was already sort of connected to it, I guess. But I asked my sisters what my name would be if I was a girl, and there was an argument. Kimmie said I should stick with a Biblical name, so names like Hannah and Sarai were considered for a while.”

Jackson chuckles and murmurs, “What kind of name is Sarai?”

“She was my favorite Biblical person!” April says, her face turning red. “Anyways, after I worked up the courage to ask my mom, she immediately said April. It clicked, but I asked her why. I’ll never forget what she said. ‘ _Darling, you’re spring. You’re the sunflowers blooming all at once, the golden light that shines down and lights up the fields so we can see. You’re the breeze flowing through someone’s hair and cooling them off on a hot day.’_ It wasn’t super poetic, but I just understood, you know? That was the girl I had always been inside, the girl I wanted to be.”

Jackson nods, still staring down at the pig. “That’s really beautiful,” he says softly, and she can tell his head is full of memories of his own. 

“What about you? Why Jackson?” She asks, pulling her legs up onto the couch so she can make herself comfortable. 

“It’s not as good as that,” he murmurs, pursing his lips and looking away. 

“Babe, You don’t need to be embarrassed,” April reassures him, placing her hand over his. “It’s your name, whatever the meaning is doesn’t matter. It’s important to you, that’s what you should care about.” Jackson smiles at her and immediately bursts into laughter.

“It’s kind of stupid—no, really stupid. But, uh, I was a little inspired by Michael Jackson.”

April tries to keep a straight face, but it’s clear she’s holding back giggles. “That’s valid! I like your name!”

Jackson shakes his head, resting it on April’s shoulder. “I just really liked him, I guess. But it’s a little disappointing, because I don’t have a cute story or meaning behind it. It took my mom a year to even start calling me that, she wasn’t like yours.”

April kisses his forehead, and her eyes light up when she looks at the stuffed pig in her hands. “Hey! You can have this,” she says excitedly, gently pressing it against his chest. “It even says J! For Jackson,” she adds proudly. “But you’d better take care of him, okay? I’ve had him since I was three.”

“Are you sure?” Jackson asks, holding the animal loosely in his hands. “It’s a great gift, but it’s so personal. Won’t you miss it?”

April chuckles. “It’s been sitting in a box for like, fifteen years. Also, this box has at least ten more stuffed animals. We can get enough for you, Harriet and I to all share.” 

Jackson feels proud hearing Harriet’s name. The reason they were sitting here, surrounded by boxes of Jackson and April’s childhood things is for her. Harriet, the beautiful baby girl they were about to adopt. It had taken years for both of them to come to an agreement. They had both wanted kids, more so April than himself. But being a trans couple and adopting is more difficult than it sounds. Especially when his mom had been insistent on him having biological kids—something that wasn’t an option for either of them. But now they were happy, and Harriet would officially be theirs in a little under a month. 

“Have I mentioned recently how much I love you?” Jackson muses as he hugs the pig close to him. 

“Yeah, but I’ll never get tired of it,” April responds, wrapping an arm around her husband’s waist. “You’ve given me everything I’ve ever wanted. I never thought I could have it, but look at us. We did it.”

“We did it,” Jackson confirms, humming softly as he buries his face in the crook of April’s neck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meredith braids cristina's hair. or at least, she tries to.

“Mer, stop!” Cristina whines, trying to swat Meredith’s hands away from her hair. Meredith chuckles, holding Cristina’s hands to keep them still. She leans down and kisses the top of Cristina’s head, which is more a mess of dark hair than anything else. She lets go of her girlfriend’s hands, continuing to run her fingers through the other girl’s curls. Cristina groans and pulls her head away, glaring at Meredith.

“Would you stop fussing?” Mer says accusingly, crossing her arms. “I’m trying to braid your hair, be nice.” She grabs a handful of Cristina’s hair again, beginning to pull it back and braid it. 

“I didn’t think you could braid hair,” Cristina murmurs, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands. 

“I’m a surgeon, braiding hair can’t be that hard,” Meredith says absentmindedly, way too concentrated on not fucking up Cristina’s hair to actually listen to her.

“Ow! You pulled it,” Cristina exclaims, grabbing her hair defensively. Meredith sighs and lays back on her bed in defeat. 

“I wanted to make it cute,” she says, covering her face with her hands.

“It’s fine. I like to wear it down, anyways,” Cristina replies, grabbing Mer’s hand and forcing her to sit up. “Here, let me braid yours. I actually know how to braid.” 

“I actually know how to braid!” Meredith repeats mockingly, sticking her tongue out. “I was gonna do it, but you kept complaining. I couldn’t concentrate.” Cristina laughs as she climbs onto the bed and sits down behind Meredith, wrapping her legs around Mer’s waist. 

“Sure, honey,” Cristina says as she brushes Meredith’s hair to the side, taking a moment to kiss her neck gently. Meredith giggles, shifting in her position. 

“Stop! You’re tickling me,” she says, turning her neck in an attempt to get Cristina to stop. 

“Who’s complaining now?” Cristina says smugly, pulling away from Mer and grabbing her hair.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> set in early season 4. cristina and callie have a conversation about girls (and boys).

Cristina never expected to find herself in this situation. She never thought she would be crushing on another girl, and she didn’t think she would have a roommate with the same issue. Well, not exactly the same. Callie had actually kissed her crush, but Cristina was almost positive Meredith did not feel the same way. Cristina wasn’t even sure how she felt about herself. She really liked Mer, but the countless boys before her didn’t exactly make Cristina sapphic. Which is why she turns to Callie, of all people, for advice. 

They’re both awake at three AM, Callie draped over the couch while Cristina lays on the floor, arms spread out above her head. Callie couldn’t sleep because of Erica—the confusion of it all, trying to ask herself if George and Mark meant anything or if they were just masking her true feelings. Callie wasn’t sure why Cristina was awake—nobody knew about Cristina’s ridiculously cheesy schoolgirl crush on Meredith. Cristina was staring at a spot on the wall where paint was beginning to chip away, trying to think of anything other than the one question she wanted to ask. It was impossible to hold in, though. She needed some guidance.

“Are you a lesbian?” Cristina blurts out, almost regretting the words as soon as they escape her. It’s disrespectful, she knows, but since when was she known for her filter? Callie turns her head to look at her roommate.

“That’s what I was trying to figure out before you interrupted my silence.” She pauses for a moment, deciding a joke might lighten her mood. “Why. Are you?”

Cristina looks shocked by the question, and her mind races to find an explanation for Callie’s suspicion. “I’m—what? No…no! I’m not gay!” She sits up and narrows her eyes, trying to recall if she had slipped up about Meredith or something.

“Calm down, man, I was joking,” Callie replies, pausing when she notices the look on Cristina’s face. “Unless you…oh my God, are you hiding something? Are you…?” She trails off. A grin spreads across her face as she thinks about the possibilities. “Dude, I can’t believe it. You’re a lesbian!”

“I’m not a lesbian!” Cristina insists, covering her face with her hands. _‘God, why am I so embarrassed about this?_ she thinks, pulling at her hair in frustration. “At least, I don’t think so. I’ve never been with a girl before, but I like one person a lot—this is stupid! Why am I even talking to you about this?”

“...Because I’m the only person you know who’s a girl who happens to kiss girls. Or rather, one girl,” Callie says, sitting up on the couch and patting the seat next to her, inviting Cristina to sit down. “It’s fine if you’re confused. I am, too. We’ll figure this shit out together.” Cristina groans and stands up, dragging her feet as she walks to the couch. This is not a conversation she wants to be having. She wishes she could forget about Meredith and go back to being a straight person.

“It’s Meredith,” Cristina murmurs, grabbing a pillow and holding it in her lap. “It’s dumb, I don’t even know why I like her. She’s falling for Derek so hard, I wouldn’t have a chance even if I were a lesbian.” Callie leans against the armrest on the couch, pursing her lips in thought.

“Well, do you like dudes, too? I mean, your thing with Burke, was that real?” She asks, and Cristina nods, pausing to sigh into the pillow. 

“I mean, obviously. If I didn’t like guys I wouldn’t have a problem. I’d be gay,” Cristina says, rolling her eyes. “What about you? I’m guessing you’re still into dudes, because you and Mark have been spending a lot of time in on-call rooms lately.” 

“Mhm. The thing is, after Erica and I did it for the first time, she was in shock. Like, she had this moment where everything clicked and she knew she was gay. It wasn’t like that for me. It was great, and I actually have real feelings for her, but I still love the sex with Mark. And I loved George. So, I don’t know. I’m not gay, but I do like girls. Or at least, I like Erica.” Callie sighs as she finishes speaking, looking over at Cristina and waiting for a response. 

“You’re not gay, but you like girls…” Cristina repeats under her breath, and Callie raised an eyebrow at her.

“Uh, yeah. I just said that.”

“Shut up!” Cristina says as she stands up, running into her bedroom. She comes back with her phone, and Callie can see she’s typing something into Google. 

“I remember one of my patients telling me about how he liked both dudes and chicks, and he said this word for it...you know how gay people are like, homosexual or whatever?” Cristina pauses, and her eyes light up when the search results load. “Bisexual!” She yells, turning her phone screen to Callie. Callie holds the phone in her hands and she looks at Cristina in awe.

“We can like both?” She asks, and Cristina nods enthusiastically. “I didn’t even know that was a thing. I just—I always thought I had to be straight or gay.” 

“Me too!” Cristina replies, smiling as Callie pulls her in for a hug. She doesn’t usually hug, but she thinks this is a moment that deserves hugging. 

“Bisexual,” Callie mutters as she pulls away, still trying to comprehend the word. She jumps up from the couch and runs toward the door, much to Cristina’s confusion.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“To tell Mark I’m bisexual!” She replies, tossing Cristina her phone as she runs out of the apartment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> post 12x05, meredith makes some questionable decisions.
> 
> //self harm tw//

“What are you gonna do if I leave?”

 _Alex would be disappointed if he saw this,_ Meredith thinks.

_But my mother would be proud._

She laughs, despite the blood dripping from her wrists. She’s staining her sheets.

_I should’ve done this in the bathroom._

She’s not sure if this was a movement driven by tequila, or by grief. She doesn’t know if she can even feel grief right now, she’s drunk out of her mind. All she feels is the sting of the cuts, the dripping of blood down her skin and onto the flowered sheets. It’s bad, sure, but they’ll heal on their own. She knows how much she can take before needing medical attention. Although she did make the mistake of using a razor instead of a scalpel—it’s not sterile. 

It’s a risk for infection. 

She lets out a heavy sigh—the last thing she wants is an infection to come out of this. Then people will wonder, and they’ll see the scars. She doesn’t need hospital-mandated therapy. She needs to clean this, but she’s too drunk to tell left from right, so there’s no way she can do it on her own.

So she knocks on Amelia’s bedroom door. Amelia is the last person she would tell about this, especially now, but she doesn’t really have a choice. Her sister doesn’t answer at first. Typical.

“I’m bleeding on the carpet.”

Amelia opens her door. She takes one look at Meredith and sighs, pushing her out into the hallway. “You couldn’t cope in a cleaner way?” She scoffs, pointing in the direction of the bathroom. Meredith shrugs and stumbles over one of Zola’s princess dolls as she walks. Amelia grips her shoulders to steady her. Meredith squints, trying to adjust to the light in the bathroom. She sits on the edge of the bathtub, trying to keep her balance.

“I hope you aren’t looking for a hug or an inspirational speech, because I don’t do that,” Amelia says as she grabs a first aid kit from under the sink. “I do cleanup. I’ll give you a pat on the back if you’re lucky.” 

Meredith nods slowly, watching as Amelia begins to clean her arms with a wet cloth. Now they can both see the cuts clearly. They’re angry and red, and there are more than Amelia can count. It’s just then when she notices the faint, white scars in a similar fashion to the new ones. “You’ve done this before?” She asks, and Meredith hums in affirmation.

“A long time ago, yeah. My mom was at the hospital, and it was...a lot. I tried to drown myself.” Amelia sighs as she begins wrapping gauze around Mer’s wrists. 

“I guess we all deal with shit in some unhealthy way. For me, it’s drugs. For you, it’s this.” Meredith nods, looking up the the ceiling and laughing dryly.

“Derek would’ve had a fit if he saw this.”

“Damn right.”

Meredith smiles at her sister, gently rubbing her now bandaged arms. “Thanks, Amy,” she says quietly.

“No problem. And, Mer? Let me know if you feel like doing this again. There are better ways to cope—and I don’t mean getting addicted to oxy.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the first (and second) time meredith kisses cristina.

i. good morning.

The first time Meredith kisses Cristina, it’s nothing like she expects it to be. In Cristina’s head, kissing Meredith is supposed to be a hot, Callie-and-Hahn, revelation kind of moment. She feels like their lips are supposed to collide and that she’ll realize that men weren’t really shit in the first place, and maybe it’ll make up for the fact that Burke left her at the altar. Instead, it’s a revelation in a different way.

It’s only four AM, far too early for any normal person to be awake. But Mer and Cristina aren’t normal people, they’re surgeons. Mornings for them are a little hectic, it’s a mess of Meredith trying to untangle herself from the combination of blankets and Cristina’s limbs while Cristina stumbles to turn on the lights. It’s eventually accomplished, and both girls are sitting upright in Meredith’s bed, half of Mer’s hair flipped over the wrong way and Cristina still trying to cling to the last moments of sleep. Meredith can tell Cristina is drifting off a little bit, her eyelids are heavy and she’s snoring just enough that only Mer would notice. She fixes this issue with a small kiss to Cristina’s lips, followed by a giggly “wake up”. Cristina’s eyes shoot open, and the way she looks at Meredith indicates that everything makes sense now. She finds it ridiculous that she ever thought Burke could compare to the way Meredith treats her. Cristina doesn’t want to be with girls, she wants to be with this girl, and she’s mad that it took her this long to figure out. She snaps out of her thought bubble when Meredith kisses her again. “Get out of bed. Izzie made muffins.”

ii. goodnight.

They’re both settled into bed when the sparkle pager goes off.

Meredith seriously considers ignoring it for a moment, because her head is resting on Cristina’s chest, and Cristina’s hand is in her hair. She can’t really see a reason for moving, except for the possibility of a shiny surgery from the shiny pager. She waits a few seconds, but the temptation gets to her. She leans over to her nightstand and grabs the pager, smiling to herself when she sees it. To Cristina’s disappointment, Mer shifts out of bed. Meredith frowns when she sees Cristina’s expression. “It’s an MVC, multiple broken bones.” In that moment, Meredith is glad she’s dating a surgeon, because Cristina smiles and nods. Anyone else would’ve wondered why Meredith was so excited over a car accident and mangled bodies. Before Meredith leaves, she leans over and kisses Cristina’s forehead, stroking her hair for a moment. “Goodnight,” she whispers, and she feels Cristina’s hand move to take hers and kiss it gently.


End file.
